Part Dos The North Pole or Mexico City Airport to us Gringos

Part Dos The North Pole or Mexico City Airport to us Gringos

March 13 - STILL....

Okay – off the plane, down the ramp and feeling like we’re a part of The Running with the Bulls – where the hell do we go from here? We enter the Duty Free area right off the plane. Great – shopping as soon as you land and nothing to put it in.

We all follow one another like the blind leading the blind. I know all about the Cancun Airport but this monstrosity is enough to conjure nightmares for life. Lots of uniformed employees - - all standing around looking cute in their uniforms. I don’t speak the lingo but ready to show my stub of a ticket to see where we pick up my luggage at this infernal Gate 7. We go through Immigration – the dude that checked my info barely glanced at it and waved me through. Kodi on the other hand had to sign this, open that, answer a few questions and she was let through. Where do we find luggage? One person says go left, another shrugs his shoulders, the third gives us a dirty look, the fourth person we ask says this entire terminal is Gate 7. How many Duty Free shops are there in this airport?

Okay. Let’s ask the Custodian. Method to my mania – they clean the building, they MUST know something! He points to the end of a dark tunnel and says “wait there”. So we do. We rejects from the Carry- On Mafia Dude’s clipboard are waiting in the same spot for luggage to come rolling around the bend or at least plop out of the luggage shoot. Mind now we have on hour and thirty minutes to get my bag, find our gate and board the plane. I hear in my mind the theme song from The GodFather right before Fredo gets shot on the boat. My stomach is in knots and my lungs cry for nicotine. There are two bags on the rollie thing – looks like they’ve been there a while by the slow growth of cobwebs collecting on the nametags. Wait – a rumble of luggage and ONE PIECE comes spinning out. We’re all ready to pounce on our future luggage like it was the last steak on the planet. We wait and wait and wait. Nothing else comes out. WTF? I ask the uniformed people standing around watching us “English?” Head shakes. Great. We gotta board soon… One hour to go… Forty five minutes to go… Thirty minutes to go. I have given up hope of having luggage to hall down Juarez Street when a lady in a yellow reflective jacket comes to us and says that our luggage is already on the plane to Cancun. How does she know? Angry Guy with Girlfriend asks in Spanish what’s going on. What I could gather, our luggage had been placed on the connecting flight an hour ago (WTF). We American and Canadian Gringos don’t seem to get what she said. Repeat, lather, repeat. So we trust that our luggage is having cocktails on the plane we’re supposed to be on in 25 minutes. Okay Lord, which way do we go? We opt for the only way out – past the four uniformed ladies with painted on eyebrows and neon red lipstick to scan our remaining bags, wand us through & head towards our destiny beyond the sliding glass doors.

Cigarette, my missing luggage for a cigarette. We take a chance and head towards beams of sunlight coming from a set of doors to our left. BOOYA!! Daylight, Mexico City and the Police. We ask them if we can “fumar” where we stood. “Si.” Our motto “We left our butts in Mexico City" – if we miss that flight, cigarettes won’t be the only butts left in Mexico City.

Two smokes, two photographs and a surge of confidence we head back to find Mexicana Airlines and the Mystery Gate in 15 minutes. The girl at the counter didn’t even look at my passport or boarding pass but looked at Kodi’s. I asked her did she look at mine – “Si Senora” - - You’re lying Senorita but we gotta go. “Go behind the glass wall to board your plane.” Sense at last. The ticket guy Juan, was the only friendly face in that airport. He let us pass, around the corner and in line to get scanned…AGAIN. I go through no problem – I have only my camera case and purse. Kodi shoves her stuff through, walks through the people scanner. I’m watching the Luggage Xray Guy who calls “battery” to the guy on his right. They both grin. What fresh hell is this? Kodi’s laptop is in her carry on but this guy reaches for her purse. She has a twenty pack of unopened batteries. Heaven in the White Lady’s Purse for him…Hell has another ten minute ticket for us. Three guys are talking among themselves; the People Scanner Chick is nasty and says “no batteries!” A fourth guy is called and says that she cannot take these batteries. Kodi goes ape. They want her batteries and her underwater camera. Hell to the No you don’t. I keep smiling, show our flight time and urge Kodi to accept that she won’t have her batteries in ten seconds. I warned her weeks in advance that batteries are a luxury in Mexican airports – we had our unopened ten pack taken five years ago with Bob getting semi-stripped searched because of them. The guy puts her camera back in her bag but keeps the batteries and wants to see what she is using to have so many batteries. Thank God she left the vibrator at home (kidding!!). She pulls out her digital camera. “Senorita, you can have ONE BATTERY from this pack, the rest have to stay.” Kodi, “What the hell am I gonna do with one battery?” Jail cell #9 awaits…

I show our flight time again with the pearliest smile I could muster. We are released minus batteries and our failing happiness to be in this airport. As we are walking away, I glance back in time to see the X-ray Guy’s friend pocket her batteries and they give each other wry smiles. I hope their penises fall off, Kodi wishes for worse. Five minutes to find our gate and board. Lucky for us we see a group from our Missing Bag Group watching the electronic gate board– they can’t find the terminal either and they’ve been looking for thirty minutes. “GATE 19” is shouted by one girl and we all haul ass to gate 19 - a million miles from where we were standing. O-Jay Simpson had nothing on us running through the airport only to be scanned TWO MORE TIMES!!! You’re kidding right? Do you think I put an explosive tampon up my punana? My good knee starts creaking, my bad knee has me gimping along like Quasimodo, my patience is wearing thin, Kodi is spitting expletives, redder than a rooster’s cockle and striding like the Jolly Green Giant (she is 5’11”) as we skid to a halt at gate 19- dingy, dirty and devoid of anyone there to assist us. We beat the Pilots, Stews and Check-In Chicks there. I start my mantra and start rubbing Kodi’s back and my left temple - - Isla Mujeres Honey– Isla Mujeres My love– Isla Mujeres Darlin’. Folks are looking at us again cuz I keep calling her Honey – Baby – Sweety. Told ya – labeled as Lesbians and if that lady in the blue sweater looks at me one more time I’m gonna wink and lick my lips at her.

Two young Spring Breakers are staring at us so I strike a conversation – they flew from Houston and will stay in Cancun – Kodi tells them about our plans and ongoing adventure up to this point. They said they would like to be our age and still going on Girls Trips. Our age? I took it as a compliment. Why thank you Honey - you’re only as old as your passport says you are.

Out of the corner of my eye I spy the Check-In Chicks arriving, posting the Mexicana Sign that wouldn’t stay posted and a fight that was about to start with a group they wanted to split because one of their boarding passes was a computer pass not the issued one from the airport. That woman’s hair was full of static electricity, her face in a devil’s snarl and said “NO WAY IN HELL ARE YOU SPLITTING US UP – WE PURCHASED THESE TICKETS IN AUGUST. WHO IS ABOVE YOU? GET THEM HERE NOW!!!” Right on, right on. Her family was not split up – they sat in front of us on the next leg of the trip. O Defiant One, where were you when we needed you to keep Kodi’s batteries?

We are boarding finally, usual touch, pray, enter before getting on the plane but I backtracked…who is that guy twisting knobs and doing the pre-flight checklist? Where are the pilots and does this guy know what he’s doing? Oh here we go. Smack – Boom – Crash. Will in order another quick prayer and I just go with the stream of folks getting on the plane and hope my carryon is as drunk as I plan to get this flight.

What’s up with the Musical Chairs going on in the aisle across from me? Thought that was a game played in grade school. Well on Mexicana Click Airlines, if you’re a child sitting at an emergency exit – the game is played by at least four adults. Kodi and I were on the exit row – praise God for the extra leg room cuz my knees had become Jell-O. The flight was thirty minutes late arriving which put us forty minutes behind – all that made for TV drama and we could have strolled. Dare I cross my fingers on the return flight?

A nice man with a giant badge on sits next to me after playing two rounds of Musical Chairs. Just my luck – the Airport Police. No, it’s Captain Tirsa Antonio Garcia from Puerto Vallarta. I know cuz I asked. He was to fly this plane today cuz two of the pilots have done their quota of air time for the day. He wasn’t aware of two other pilots being flown in from Las Vegas to fly us to Cancun. The pre-flight talks and instructions and Tirsa told me this flight was flying to Havana. WHAT? Havana? I looked at Kodi and said "did we get on the wrong plane?" Tirsa just laughed and said after we get to Cancun, this flight continues to Cuba. That’s when the Stewardess (nice ones this time) said that this flight is bound for Havana, Cuba with a layover in Cancun. As my eyes popped back into their sockets, I laughed along with Tirsa who told me so much about flying and the surrounding area outside our windows. Tirsa is a pilot of 31 years, has two sons (one in an exclusive school in South Africa, the other in an exclusive school in New Mexico) and a wife who just spends his money (after I asked what she does). Tirsa showed and named all the volcanoes (mountains), The Sleeping Lady & her Husband and two others I couldn’t pronounce in my wildest dreams. During our flight he pointed out the cities of Vera Cruz, Campeche, Cozumel, Playa del Carmen and my beloved Isla Mujeres. Kodi and I got all up in his cheese asking him about flying. Do you have turn signal lights when you want to hang a left? Or as we call it Bust a U. To this he sprayed some of his Bloody Mary out with laughter cuz we were pretending to be turning imaginary wheels to the left. No – no signal lights or brake lights. The planes are primarily guided by computers, twist a dial, tweak a knob, put in the headings and off ya go(still have the gears & brakes in case of emergency) but they do have giant sun visors. And who was that guy getting the cockpit ready? They now have Maintenance Men doing that – they better know what they are doing or Smack-Boom-Crash. To that I had a Rum and Coke and we toasted to Airplanes. Did ya know it takes 3 years to become a pilot to the tune of one hundred grand? He said he made that money back in no time. He checked his schedule and darn it wouldn’t be our pilot for the return trip – he was gonna let us checkout the cockpit to prove there were brake pedals. All too soon, this enjoyable flight was coming to an end. We shook hands and parted ways.

Oh My Gee! Are we really in Cancun? Is it really 8PM? Did we really leave at 11:40AM Are we gonna be on Isla soon? We debark and follow the crowd to the luggage racks. I always do carry on so this is new to me but one thing – I had to go pee – and while in there pray that my luggage is looking for me. As soon as I entered the Bano, Kodi retrieves my luggage and hauls it to the bathroom so I can check that everything is there. I leap for joy to see my squishy black bag – hugged it like a dear friend and strip searched it. All good in the hood.

Kodi and I hug (oh oh there those Lesbians go again) as we realize we have two stops before paradise. But we still have to go through Red Light Green Light. Guess who gets the Red Light? Kodi. She hollers “What Next?” Couldn’t help but laugh – we are so close, so close. Searched or peeked at her stuff at the table and waved her through. I just got a bad case of the giggles. Rum & Coke talking. I’ve been lucky all these trips to Isla with the Green Light – Isla is working her mojo once again for me. She should have told me that her mojo doesn’t work in Mexico City. Duly noted.

I tell Kodi – “DO NOT stop and talk to anyone as we leave this airport okay?” And what does she do? Talks to the majority of the time share hawks and need a ride lady people. I drag her forward. We are looking for a guy in a white baseball cap holding a US Tour sign. Bob (my sweet HusBob) arranged transport from the airport to the ferry – he did the same for Nady & Jackie when they arrive on Monday. No sooner than we get a whiff of Cancun air I see the sign and hear, “Cakee Ma-Ha?” Yes that’s me!! “Welcome to Cancun!” That was the first kind word we ‘ve heard other than Tirsa on the plane. I can now relax. We follow a tall dude to the holding area as he phones for a van.

Beto our driver puts our bags in the back of the wonderfully clean van, mood music in the background and WE ARE OFF!! We ask Beto about the nightclubs in Cancun - $65 U.S. just to get in at Dady O’s, The City, etc. Our best bet would be the local Salsa Bars if we wish to have a really good Cancun experience. He was willing to take us on a tour of the Hotel Zone & local hang-outs but noticed we could make the 9PM ferry if he hurried. And he did. I can never look forward when riding in a taxi or van in Cancun – we’d get arrested or cause major car wrecks with that sort of driving. Kodi was lapping it up – quiet with deer in headlight eyes but loving it. Could it be – could it truly be the Gran Puerto Ferry Tower up ahead? We tip Beto, thank him for a pleasant journey and drag our bags to the ticket counter.

Who is this drunk Prostitute trying to cut in front of us? Cigarette bent to hell, boobs spilling out to there, dress hiked to show a thong that Godzilla would wear and eyes as tight as the binding of a new book. The Ticket Clerk waved her away as Kodi bought two one way tickets ($14US) DAMN! It was $4US per ticket last June. Inflation has come to Isla Mujeres. Oh well, we have time for a smoke before we board. I was really hoping to get here in daylight so Kodi could marvel at the water – that blue just messes with my head in an awesome way. No matter…she would see it on Monday when we cross over to pick up Nady and Jackie.

Okay, I’m fuzzy in this picture cuz Kodi is trying to get the ferry that’s coming to take us away hahaheehee