Took the scenic route to Playa Indios by way of the coast road, ducked and waved at Big Jim (love ya man!),through the colonia where the new hospital is being built, past Playa Lancheros, screech! Is that Mar y Sol? Keep going. Hang a sharp right at the faded sign announcing Playa Indios. Did I say sharp turn? Glad we had the golf cart balanced or we would have tipped – I always take corners at 30MPH or above! Downhill, a sharp left riding the brakes – there may be another idiot who loves taking corners at break your neck speed coming in the opposite direction. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Smooth sailing and another sharp left to level ground. Ya’ll can take your hearts out of you throats, reassemble them back in your chests, we have arrived.
My bladder is ready to cut loose. 60 g’s and three sharp turns with the concept of four to five hours on a boat…yeah – gotta cut loose.
First we gotta find Apache, park, then pee.
We found Apache’s abode. Located at the end of the road that leads past the beach and bar areas. Saw a handsome woman with a baby in her arms and another child following behind her. Apache’s woman and children. Not married. “What’s the point of ruining a good thing”? Apache would say to us later. Amen brother – a faithful man. His woman told us where we could find him so we parked the cart.
The bano’s were totally occupied so we found a palm tree and took care of business the way nature intended. Hidden by palm fronds and giant towels, release and relief. What? Like you don’t do that sort of thing!! When nature calls, answer the phone!!
I've never been to this beach in all the years of coming to Isla Mujeres. This is quite lovely. Not as fabulous as North Beach standards but there is a bar, a restaurant, gift shops – bano’s’ and thatched umbrellas to roast under, white sand, a spectacular view of Cancun across the bay and quite a few boats moored at the dock. 
My question is and should have been what type of boat are we touring around in? Duh! As long as it floats and goes ‘vroom’, I wasn’t concerned. Oh my, I spy with my trifocal eye three catamarans, one boat with four masts, two speed boats, six jet skis’, kayaks – oh hell no, one neon yellow boat and one simple white boat. I know that Apache is a deep diving fisherman so I’ve narrowed the options. Now Ladies, any bets on which one we’re on? Five will get you one hundred we’re not on the catamarans. Jet skis – nada. Neon Yellow would clash horribly with my skin tone, four masts…we gotta work to be on that one…so the winner is….
…the simple white boat….for a simply tremendous time!
He had his boat prepped, giving a few instructions to his accomplice of the day Chalo.
Upon meeting Chalo with the serious brown eyes, a scar running along one side of his face and a tight tush in those white swim trunks we all had just five words: oh –yeah – oh hell yeah!
Apache - Party of Four –in da house!!
Chalo and Apache have been friends and diving buddies for ages so their trust in each other gave me confidence that we were not gonna be used as shark bait. And besides, I told Raquel and Robert where and who we would be with for the rest of the day. CYA. (Cover Your Ass)
That grin of Apache’s is infectious. We were all smiles as we loaded onto his boat. He was even greater smiles when he opened his cooler of ice and we unloaded our adult beverages. He turned to Chalo and said, “I hope you remember the way back”!
I had the song in my head –“I say a little prayer for you” – which was for all of us…The Chicas, The Amigos, the boat, the sea and to God. You’ve got to understand this: I get in pools no deeper than five feet, I love looking at the ocean and will venture no further into it up to my boob-ba-las, so it is a GIANT stretch for me to be miles from land and being carried by a boat that I probably weigh more than. I must love these ladies beyond belief.
Fundage handed over to Apache and placed in a watertight pouch. Instructions given on how to sit properly on the boat while it’s in motion. Really? Doesn’t common sense just kick in? Oh yeah, Pineapple Rums, Sol’s and Manzangos. My bad. And we are off (our rockers), excited and waiting for that cool breeze to tousle the hair.
I have always wanted to tour the perimeter of Isla. Been after Captain Tony for six years to do it but he’s a popular guy so the next best person got the job. I can already see the jealousy in my HusBob’s eyes as this has been a dream of his. I’m living it for ya baby. It’s a perfect afternoon for getting’ jiggy wit it!
I am elated to see familiar places from ocean side:
Playa Tiburon and Lancheros – Zama’s Beach Club, Rolandi’s, Sac Bajo, Dolphin Discovery, that square house on the edge of Sac Bajo. Like a picture postcard. Apaches goes to the right – where I have always seen boats with tall masts enter into the lagoon area. That’s where we are headed. My goodness, if Nady smiles any harder, we’re gonna have to glue her cheeks back together. Jackie is in quiet contemplation. Maybe sailing past Playa Lancheros brought back memories of her 32 ounce Mojito she had on Monday! One can only imagine. I’m riding shotgun with Apache and Kodi is snapping photos.
Familiar territory. We know this area by land only. Hey we left our panties on The New Panty Tree yesterday, right over there. We all get to giggling when Apache asked where and why did we do that. Chalo looked mildly interested. Kodi told them about where we did it cuz the old spot was no longer accessible. I told them why we did it – it’s customary. We may have a few male companions the next time we visit “our spot”.
SIDENOTE – When HusBob and I returned a few months later in July, two pairs of Eight Syllable Panties were clinging to the spot we left them. Hilarious. They were faded and hard as a rock! What have they been up to?!?!
Hey, what is E.T. doing in front of us? See I told you he came to earth on a private yacht.
Chalo doesn’t talk much. But he notices everything. He doesn’t drink, smoke or make eye contact. Yet. He is a very religious man. There’s a story there. I’m dying to ask him how he got that fantastic (and beautiful in my eyes) scar on the left side of his face. It appears like a spear or giant fishing hook slashed his face and healed nicely.
Did I mention that Nady and Apache make a cute couple?
We saw the backside of The Floating Island. Here is a place that I long to see the inside of. This place is bigger than it looks from the front. We tried yesterday to get a tour but he wasn’t in a good mood. Building more stuff to his stuff. What we did see today was a girl in white shorts that caught the eyes of Apache and Chalo. Apache commented he’d like to build something there. You sly fox. Testosterone is testosterone in every country.
I wanted to know the story of the unpainted church across from the lagoon. I figured there wasn’t funding to restore it. Story has it that the Hurricane before Ike stripped the paint from the walls, blew out windows, and destroyed everything but the spirit of God within those walls. The Islanos believe there is a restless spirit that was blown into that sacred place. So they leave the church as is, a building, and a reminder of how fortunate they were to have their island, their lives and their God. Can you say goose bumps. Yeah, me too.
Apache was Top Dawg as we cruised through the lagoon – cat calls from the local guys, horn blowing from passing ships, diesel fuel emanating the air; even saw a boat with APACHE painted on the side. It wasn’t his.
So that’s where the Cuban restaurant is –Restaurante El Varadero. Heard about their famous Mojitos. Bet they can’t come close to the one Jackie had. Apache was telling us this is where the private ships and islanders bring their boats when hurricanes come near. Towards the end of the lagoon, Apache told of how he almost lost his boat coming in here one hurricane season. The lights had gone out on the shore, they use those as landmarks (ha ha) to get their proper placement in the safe harbor. Story goes; he came within a few feet of crashing his boat into the pilings/pylons – the deck had already washed away with the severe wind. To see the frustration, horror and elation of surviving that storm was etched in his storytelling. Lots of island stuff going on that we tourists hardly hear about. I love hanging with the locals.
We make a u-turn in the lagoon and head out to open water. Really didn’t notice it until we left but that lagoon is kinda stuffy. Hmmm, giant metal ship stuck in the water. It’s been rusting there for years. Bringing back coral and the fish is the word from our Captain.
Ugh. That Official Store on the main street. I remember arriving to the ferry dock when that thing wasn’t there. Just ruins the native feel of the island or am I being naïve about the growth on Isla? The building may change but that precious blue water remains awe inspiring. How can you not fall in love with the shades of blue in this ocean? Apache picked up speed once we cleared the route where the ferries come in. Safety first.
Curiosity and I are soul mates. So I asked Apache about the colored dots or buoys that surround the area where swimmers are . Boats stay on one side, swimmers on the other. By no means are the two to meet. Apache said a true Captain will inform his passengers of that law before they enter the water from the boat and it should be known on land. It’s to keep everyone safe. No matter how big or small your boat. Code of the Captains. Sounds like a racy novel.
We got touristy for a moment as we cruised along the shores in front Posada, Sergio’s, North Beach. The Princess Wave overcame us. I learned how to do that from Jana E. Not that folks could see us actually waving at them – we didn’t care – we were in the moment.
WOW – Chi-Chi and Charlies’ beach, the black sandbags we call whales…there’s Nauti Beach Condos, Hotel Aluxes and look at IXCHEL Hotel. It is like a brilliant pearl gracing the beach. It was my home, our penthouse for a week last year – you know who you are – I THANK YOU!!!!!
Daylights a burning and we’ve got lots more to see and do. Apache tells us to get seated towards the back of the boat because when he punches the gears, the front of the boat will lift and Chalo will be his guide. Alright – let’s boogie.
I’m sitting next to Apache at the driver’s seat.I was asked to put my camera way for fear of water damage – KEWL. My feet set in a gunslinger stance, my hands holding on for dear life at the helm. My dreadlocks whipping Apache in the face while his Mayan mane of black hair whips me back – oh goodness where are my whips and chains? I know where my hand cuffs are (wink).
Explicit language is coming so read between the lines
Insert high speed James bond mood music
Three minutes at high speed………
Chalo is holding on to the rope attached to the front end of the boat to keep his balance and see over the front. Damn that brother is fine in those white shorts!
Nady and Jackie are in the back seats near the motor. Up and down – bob and weave, wet then dry. Nady is laughing at the top of her lungs – Jackie is just grinning like she stole something.
Kodi is sitting to the side squealing with amusement
OUR BOAT: Vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooomm – splash, splash of the water
PASSENGERS: Wheeeeeeeeeeee - getting wet from the waves slapping us in the face – faster, faster!!
OUR BOAT: vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrroooommm –the boat is at full throttle.
front end lifted so high you can’t see the water up front – we are zooming! To the right we see the blur of Nabalam.
CHALO: Gives a hand signal to Apache and hollers “MIRAR FUERA –MIRAR FUERA!!!!!!! (Look out!!!)”
APACHE: Shifting the engine into a dead stop and SCREAMING at the top of his lungs – FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKK!!!!!!!!
YES, The F-dash-dash-K word!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The rest of us – OH MY GOD - WHAT THE HELL - STUPID F#@KING IDIOTS – WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? Are you crazy? The verbal intensity was frightening.
AND THE DREADED QUESTION WE ALL DIDN’T WANT THE ANSWER TO...
DID WE HIT THEM?
Duh Duh Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!
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God must truly like you today
Now I know what it means “cussin’ a blue streak”. We were all frantic, scared shitless, wondering how soon the Mexican Police would escort Apache to prison, if Chalo could get us back to port and how long would we be detained and how does one wash blood out of swimwear? Apache was LIVID. You could see his heart beating through his shirt, Chalo was doing the Hail Mary prayer. I was thinking – ain’t this a fucked up way to end a vacation.
Those three teens missed death by MERE INCHES!! The motor could have sliced them to bits,that’s after the front end of the boat smashed them flat.
Swimming in a high speed boat lane
+ deep ocean
+I'm gonna live forever teenagers
equals
A near Death Experience
Glory be to GOD for an Awesome Captain and Co-Pilot!!!!!!
Apache was yelling toward the Captain of the nearest boat, an EF'n yacht – demanding to know why these kids WERE IN THE BOAT LANE. Yes, these fun loving idiots decided they were beyond following the Captain’s Code of not going past the floating dots/buoys. IDIOTS!!!!!!
Nady was nearest to the kids when the boat stopped. I think Nady’s heart stopped. She was the color of moldy cream cheese. She said that motor just missed one of the boys’ faces. Jackie got a case of the shivers and huddled in her beach towel. Kodi and Apache were cussing in unison. There was nothing more I could add to the bray of language so I cracked open a bottle of tequila and took a Moby Dick sized swig. I passed the bottle to Apache – he followed suit. We each took another swig. Kodi chugged a beer cussing between gulps. Chalo was still praying.
Let me tell you, it took more than a minute to get our composure back. The teens swam away as if nothing happened. WTF – If I wasn’t afraid of drowning or getting sued, I would have kicked their asses all the way to the airport.
Then all was still.
Apache regained his composure and allowed the boat to drift
Nady got some of her color back
Jackie is still shivering
Kodi cracked open another beer
I joined Chalo in prayer
Apache ended the silence with “ Whoo hoo – Gracias Mother Mary, Gracias!! Another day on Isla hey Chicas? Now you see why you don’t cross the buoys!” He put the boat in gear and we slowly drove past The Avalon Hotel. Chalo broke into the first smile of the day.
